Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!