What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!