[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
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ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both