FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Sending in my taxes
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.