@Eatingyourwords: cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape
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@murrman5: *holding your xray up to the light and looking at it* when did you first notice your back hurting? "after the knife went in"
@mommywhitfield: "Honey, don't try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree," is a thing I literally just said.
@juliussharpe: Watching "Wizard of Oz". I'd forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!
@TheCatWhisprer: *wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard* Her: You're... slipping... Me: Pretend I'm the covers. *she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*