*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
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Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,