@pvponline: Cut to Obama and Biden silently eating schwarma.
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@TheToddWilliams: [waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I? "Don't worry. You're home in America" But…I'm Swedish! "World Emperor Trump will explain everything"
@phaggots: *about to rob a bank* "Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun" i dont need one "why not" i already have two *kisses biceps*
@MichaelTrying: As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
@david8hughes: [first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head