Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
You Might Also Like
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have