Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time