@SortaBad: *cute bartender gives me back my credit card*
"No it's cool, you keep it"
@XplodingUnicorn: I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.
@shkeeber: I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you.
Do you have any cookies?
@Michael1979: At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
@JennyJohnsonHi5: One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.