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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up