CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
You Might Also Like
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.