Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
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#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Squirrels before girls.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.