CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”