CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his