daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
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Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Meeeee too!
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.