Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
necessity is the mother of invention
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti