Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.