Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
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I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.