if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
What in the hipster hell is going on here
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.