Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
wow
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony