Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.