The A string on my guit_r is flat
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My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Sooo many times…..
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.