I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.