[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Skills
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT