Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
pat pat
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.