Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
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Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).