Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Running from your problems is cardio .
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I am patiently waiting for your email
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
good work, everybody
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.