@TheRealRHB: Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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@hazelmotes1: You literally misuse the word "literally" every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.
@bourgeoisalien: On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it's just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this "we" shit? I'm having plenty.
@Cpin42: Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.