@TheRealRHB: Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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@XplodingUnicorn: Dear Britain, This Brexit vote is all wrong If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war. Sincerely, America
@panmidwest: COP: I need to see some ID ME: [hands him ID] COP: this isn't yours ME: you said "some" COP: lol wow good point you're free to go
@TheGayFlash: I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower.
@PatSandora: NYCer: OMG you’re in the city?! Visitor: Yes! NYCer: I’d love to see you! Let me know if you end up on my exact block. I will not travel.