Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
IT’S-A ME,
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.