Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s