ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??