@teenpuke: *cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*
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@Anon_imosity: [walks into bookstore] Me: do you have any books on turtles? Worker: Hard back? Me: Yeah, with little heads.
@sarcasticmommy4: My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: "Uh, go buy new clothes?" Have kids. It's fun.
@Sickayduh: HER: You promised me you were over your Bruce Willis obsession. ME: Sorry. Old habits die hard with a vengeance.
@callie_cakes: Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me.