Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
so i’m at the stock market right
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.