*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.