[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: