*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?