I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
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When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Stop sending me this shit.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
HELP 😭
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT