For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Good Morning.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*