CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m not wrong
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money