CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?