you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”