CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
You Might Also Like
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Lmao 🤣
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.