You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
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Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*