If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.