CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Anime is real
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar