CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
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Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.