CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
The opposite of Iceland is water water
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.