CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.