Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
This is my cat’s medicine.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.