Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
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This made me chuckle cuz mood
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Denise please return my vape pen
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.