@_NTFG_: CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
@timdonakowski: My new career path:
1. Learn soccer
2. Move to Ghana
3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer
@ch000ch: a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
@iAmJuddy: Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
@theNuzzy: Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
@lawblob: McDonalds actually does serve breakfast after 10:30 if u have a gun