@_NTFG_: CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
@KittensMittens: Mom: I think I'm gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year...
Mom: That's expensive I'll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
@Fred_Delicious: "ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER"
[spider removes earbuds]
"yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever"
@spicy_peen: *Makes piñatas that look like people's exes
*Retires a billionaire
@ericsshadow: My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
@XplodingUnicorn: Ladies, if you don't want to answer a question from a guy, say, "I already TOLD you. You never listen."
We have no idea if you're lying.