@_NTFG_: CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
@DraggingFeeties: All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
@SCbchbum: Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
@KeetPotato: advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being "better than sex" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them
@popcorn_dog: [Dark room]
Employee [shines flashlight at me]: Sir you cannot eat in the planetarium
**slow taco crunch**
@thrillhicks: I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.