@_NTFG_: CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
@AaronFullerton: "Honey, remember our first date?"
"Awh, are you planning something for Valentine's?"
"No, I forgot my password. It's the security question."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
@DadandBuried: My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
@DillDoes: Dude the goverment isn't spying on you. You're not interesting
*meanwhile in a secret base*
"dont let him say that to you. You're amazing"
@NicestHippo: *deliberately drops paper in front of cute girl*
Oh my goodness was that my...(sexy voice) political science degree