CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.