CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
You Might Also Like
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing