CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.